The pain of loss, the space of love.

My very dear auntie passed away yesterday. The pain took me by surprise and I covered it with emotional upset. I am now beginning to connect to a more spacious and more loving place. I feel thankful and deeply humbled by this reminder of constant change and transformation. Om Om Om. Peace Peace Peace.

In Blackwater Woods by Mary Oliver

Look, the trees
are turning
their own bodies
into pillars

of light,
are giving off the rich
fragrance of cinnamon
and fulfillment,

the long tapers
of cattails
are bursting and floating away over
the blue shoulders

of the ponds,
and every pond,
no matter what its
name is, is

nameless now.
Every year
everything
I have ever learned

in my lifetime
leads back to this: the fires
and the black river of loss
whose other side

is salvation,
whose meaning
none of us will ever know.
To live in this world

you must be able
to do three things:
to love what is mortal;
to hold it

against your bones knowing
your own life depends on it;
and, when the time comes to let it go,
to let it go.

Seng-Ts’an

This is food for undoing.

Hsin Hsin Ming
Inscribed on the Believing Mind

The Great Way is not difficult
for those who have no preferences.
When love and hate are both absent
everything becomes clear and undisguised.
Make the smallest distinction, however,
and heaven and earth are set infinitely apart.
If you wish to see the truth
then hold no opinions for or against anything.
To set up what you like against what you dislike
is the disease of the mind.
When the deep meaning of things is not understood
the mind’s essential peace is disturbed to no avail.

*

The Way is perfect like vast space
where nothing is lacking and nothing is in excess.
Indeed, it is due to our choosing to accept or reject
that we do not see the true nature of things.
Live neither in the entanglements of outer things,
nor in inner feelings of emptiness.
Be serene in the oneness of things
and such erroneous views will disappear by themselves.
When you try to stop activity to achieve passivity
your very effort fills you with activity.
As long as you remain in one extreme or the other
you will never know Oneness.
Those who do not live in the single Way
fail in both activity and passivity,
assertion and denial.
To deny the reality of things
is to miss their reality;
to assert the emptiness of things
is to miss their reality.
The more you talk and think about it,
the further astray you wander from the truth.
Stop talking and thinking,
and there is nothing you will not be able to know.
To return to the root is to find the meaning,
but to pursue appearances is to miss the source.
At the moment of inner enlightenment
there is a going beyond appearance and emptiness.
The changes that appear to occur in the empty world
we call real only because of our ignorance.
Do not search for the truth;
only cease to cherish opinions.

*

Do not remain in the dualistic state;
avoid such pursuits carefully.
If there is even a trace
of this and that, of right and wrong,
the Mind-essence will be lost in confusion.
Although all dualities come from the One,
do not be attached even to this One.
When the mind exists undisturbed in the Way,
nothing in the world can offend,
and when a thing can no longer offend,
it ceases to exist in the old way.

When no discriminating thoughts arise,
the old mind ceases to exist.
When thought objects vanish,
the thinking-subject vanishes.
Things are objects because of the subject;
the mind is such because of things.
Understand the relativity of these two
and the basic reality: the unity of emptiness.
In this Emptiness the two are indistinguishable
and each contains in itself the whole world.
If you do not discriminate between coarse and fine
you will not be tempted to prejudice and opinion.

*

To live in the Great Way
is neither easy nor difficult,
but those with limited views
are fearful and irresolute;
the faster they hurry, the slower they go,
and clinging cannot be limited;
even to be attached to the idea of enlightenment
is to go astray.
Just let things be in their own way,
and there will be neither coming nor going.

*

Obey the nature of things [your own nature],
and you will walk freely and undisturbed.
When thought is in bondage the truth is hidden,
for everything is murky and unclear,
and the burdensome practice of judging
brings annoyance and weariness.
What benefits can be derived
from distinctions and separations?
If you wish to move in the One Way,
do not dislike even the world of senses and ideas.
Indeed, to accept them fully
is identical with true Enlightenment.
The wise man strives to no goals
but the foolish man fetters himself.
There is one Dharma, not many;
distinctions arise
from the clinging needs of the ignorant.
To seek Mind with the mind
is the greatest of all mistakes.

*

Rest and unrest derive from illusion;
with enlightenment there is no liking and disliking.
All dualities come from ignorant inference.
They are like dreams or flowers in the air:
foolish to try to grasp them.
Gain and loss, right and wrong:
such thoughts must finally be abolished at once.

*

If the eye never sleeps,
all dreams will naturally cease.
If the mind makes no discriminations,
the ten thousand things
are as they are, of single essence.
To understand the mystery of this One-essence
is to be released from all entanglements.
When all things are seen equally
the timeless Self-essence is reached.
No comparisons or analogies are possible
in this causeless, relationless state.

Consider movement stationary
and the stationary in motion:
both movement and rest disappear.
When such dualities cease to exist
Oneness itself cannot exist.
To this ultimate finality
no law or description applies.

*

For the unified mind in accord with the Way
all self-centered striving ceases.
Doubts and irresolutions vanish
and life in true faith is possible.
With a single stroke we are freed from bondage;
nothing clings to us and we hold to nothing.
All is empty, clear, self-illuminating,
with no exertion of the mind’s power.
Here thought, feeling, knowledge, and imagination
are of no value.
In this world of Suchness
there is neither self nor other-than-self.

*

To come directly into harmony with this reality
just simply say when doubt arises, ‘Not two.’
In this ‘not two’ nothing is separate,
nothing is excluded.
No matter when or where,
enlightenment means entering this truth.
And this truth is beyond extension or diminution in time or space;
in it a single thought is ten thousand years.

*

Emptiness here, Emptiness there,
but the infinite universe stands
always before your eyes.
Infinitely large and infinitely small:
no difference, for definitions have vanished.
and no boundaries are seen.
So too with Being and non-Being.
Don’t waste time in doubts and arguments
that have nothing to do with this.

*

One thing, all things:
move among and intermingle,
without distinction.
To live in this realization
is to be without anxiety about non-perfection.
To live in this faith is the road to non-duality,
because the non-dual is one with the trusting mind.

*

Words!
The Way is beyond language,
for in it there is
no yesterday
no tomorrow
no today.

Adam Green – A Sunday Morning Poem

I heard this for the first time on Sunday and I loved it… (or did I love the man, who looks  between hassidic and Mexican). I immediately associated this song (and the whole record which is just great) with Serge Gainsbourg, Francoise Hardy, Nancy Sinatra, Paris and of course, my brother Beto, who introduced me to all those romantic guys. Happy birthday bro, I love you.

The funny side of insomnia

IMG_0379 When I was studying my Master’s of Performance and Culture and living in East London, I experienced a very intense yet (thank goodness) short period of insomnia. Though it was then that I truly started to practice, research and appreciate the infallible, multilayered Yoga Nidra, I must confess it was not fun. However, I have discovered that a lot of writers have suffered from insomnia, and have written about it, surprisingly finding the funny side of it:

Nighttime is really the best time to work. All the ideas are there to be yours because everyone else is asleep. Catherine O’Hara

How do people go to sleep? I am afraid I’ve lost the knack. Dorothy Parker

The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible. Jean Kerr

The day is my enemy, the night my friend, for I’m always so alone till the day draws to an end Ella Fitzgerald

I would like to offer a tip to beat insomnia. Begin to observe the natural flow of breath, as best you can. Once you settle the breath begin to count your breaths from 27 downwards to 0. Inhalation an exhalation count as one breath. You can say to yourself the body is breathing in 27, the body is breathing out, and so on and so forth. You can also count from 100 downwards to 0, depending on how you feel. When you lose count go back to 27 or 100. I had a friend who happened to have a book by  Swami Satyananda at his home in Norway and I was lucky enough to read this piece of advice on beating insomnia.

On spontaneity and risk-taking

Today was a glorious day and as I was walking though the Meadows in Edinburgh, I saw a group of people practicing Capoeira and so I stood looking for a moment at all the movements and the amazing pirouettes, kicks, summersaults and hand stands. Not very far from them was another spectator, who was about 4 years old. He was doing the same moves with his small hands and legs. Coincidentally on the other side of the Meadows another little boy was practicing wheel pose and he was trying to come back to headstand and do a backflip but he failed. So he tried again and failed and tried again; which of course reminds me of Samuel Beckett’s phrase “Fail again, fail better”. What was so beautiful about this was to see the freedom to take risks, the lack of fear and the trust in himself and the trust in his body. As adults we become more fearful, less free and we take less risks if any at all. Perhaps we need to connect more often to that deep sense of trust in ourselves that kids have in abundancefotoFrontal2Photo by Andrea Cañón http://www.andreacanon.com

Björk on (basically) hibernation as a form of healing

hibernare-ursLike many people of my age, I was a big Björk fan in the 90s. I went to see this bubble of electric energy for the first time at Roskilde festival near Copenhagen 10 years ago or so and she played with Matmos, who produced all sorts of micro sounds and sampled them live. It just blew the whole crowd away. She was the artist who closed the festival and there were silvery fireworks in the form of huge stars on the sky when her concert finished. It was totally surreal and a huge birthday present for me (I had to work at a bakery as a volunteer but because it was my birthday the boss gave me permission to go).

Although I have not been following most of the work she has done in the last years, I realised that she is doing amazing things in terms of music education, combining science, apps and music to teach children (and I guess adults like me who are musically illiterate) different musical concepts such as counterpoint. Because she is such a genius I thought she was kind of invincible and full of energy all the time, so it came as a surprise to hear what she said about the creation of her album Vespertine in the midst of a more fragile phase of her life:

I was aiming for how you can express yourself when you are absolutely ah.. you exploded 5000 times and there’s nothing left and you’re just lying there like the ruins of you but you still want to make something but you have no muscle, you have no blood, and you still want to create beauty, so you end up using instruments like harps, micro beats and whisper. So you are creating music with no physicalness with no body. That’s supposed to kind of calm you and soothe you. Like hibernation to wait until, to help you to wait until you become strong again. (From documentary Minuscule)

It is extremely interesting to know how someone manages during periods of low energy in the creative process. I have met artists who at some point in their career feel at a loss when their energy starts to change. It is not surprising to see this happen as artists invest so much emotional energy into their work and processes. Björk’s attitude is tremendously inspirational. She transforms the idea of low energy into subtle energy and thus produces and explores a whole different range of sound.

Whisper as an instrument of hibernation is also a yoga practice. There are actually 3 different ways to explore Om chanting as a form of meditation, chanting out loud, whispering and silently repeating the mantra. Funnily enough whispering is said to be the most difficult form but when we feel a little bit depleted it is a very soothing and subtly energising meditation practice.

Befriending your feelings

Isle of Skye Meditation Have you ever found yourself asking the question “why do I feel so tired? You can take a deep breath and know that you are not alone. I have never talked about this on this blog but I suffered from sleepiness and tiredness. When I told my GP about the tiredness he asked me:  “Do you have a problem with self-esteem?” and I answered “Yes, I have a problem, I have a lot of self-esteem” and we both laughed.  Feeling sleepiness is pretty uncomfortable, but I discovered that actually, there is something that makes things even worse; and that is thinking: “Why me?” “Why do I feel sleepy? Why am I tired” “Why am I not full of energy like I used to be?” Of course all these thoughts are attempts to solve the “problem” but they work like the double arrow that produces double pain, more sleepiness, more sluggishness and sometimes despair of Morrysseyesque dimensions: “there must be something horribly wrong with me“.

Although I had never considered I had a problem of self-esteem, I realised that the rumination that the mind creates around the sleepiness is a form of self-demeaningness that certainly does not help me feel more awake and it certainly does not help me feel better. The reactivity does not help to bring healing, but approaching the raw sensations of sleepiness, tiredness and sluggishness with non-attachment does help. I close my eyes to connect and experience the sensations very directly. I observe. Whenever the commentary starts I also observe. I try to see the harsh comments as part of the rumination and I step back. I then open my eyes and continue with whatever I am doing. By allowing myself to pause for a moment I am establishing a conscious relationship with the sleepiness and the tiredness and I give myself the opportunity to find a space where I am not that and therefore I can connect more deeply to who I am.

A few years ago I met Alejandro Jodorowsky -the craziest and most creative film maker, psycho magician, actor and tarot expert in the planet- and I told him about my the tiredness. “Can you see that the tiredness is your friend? It is trying to tell you something. It is reminding you that you are alive and it is sending signals to you. Are you happy doing the things that you do? Start doing the things that you like doing. Tiredness is your friend. Befriend your tiredness”.

I must say that it takes courage and it takes discipline and practice to befriend your feelings and to really stop asking yourself questions about them; especially if you studied your whole life to think critically about everything (yep, I specialised in Literary Criticism). But guess what? the more you practice friendliness towards feeling in meditation,  the easier it becomes to not take things personally. When the feeling starts creeping up I begin to also notice that I have spent far too much time indoors so I go for a walk and come back feeling refreshed. Walking in nature (in my case the Meadows) makes you feel more connected with the world around you and less separate, less important. It is funny but I am discovering that self-demeaningness is actually another form of inflated ego and that is enough material for another post so I will just finish with a quote:

Wisdom tells me I am nothing, love tells me I am everything; between the two my life flows. Nisargadatta Maharaj

Discovering the meaning of peace

I have so many things to be grateful for this year, I have discovered so many things that keep me inspired, for instance I have just discovered that the cat can open the door with his paw (this happened as I was writing I have discovered so many things). I have found new meanings in life (not the meaning of life but rather new meanings in different things in life) that keep me feeling like a newborn self. There is a recurrent dream in my life and that is that I find new rooms in the house where I live. Well, this is happening almost literally, a good friend and I were walking around where I live and she showed me a small garden with many flowers and plants. And she also showed me new routes to get to places in town. The same friend introduced me to Tich Nhat Han and I would like to share this sharp quote on Peace:

“Peace can exist only in the present moment. It is ridiculous to say “Wait until I finish this, then I will be free to live in peace.” What is “this”? A diploma, a job, a house, the payment of a debt? If you think that way, peace will never come. There is always another “this” that will follow the present one. If you are not living at peace at this moment, you will never be able to. If you truly want to be at peace, you must be at peace right now. Otherwise, there is only “the hope of peace some day”. From The Sun, My Heart